Woke up this morning around seven and couldn't breathe. I would cough and cough and then my lungs felt like the walls stuck together and I couldn't get the air back in and when I did it made this horrible sound, and I would cough because of the way the air was coming in more and more, until I would be struggling so hard I started gagging and retching, but I hadn't eaten in more than ten hours, and there was nothing to throw up except for brownish ooze.
I finally got my breath, and went downstairs and made chamomile tea with ginger to help my stomach chill out, and fell back asleep.

Woke up at ten, same thing happened all over again. So, i went into the shower and sat in there breathing steam until my dad came up to see why I was wasting water. He hooked up the humidifier in my room. Mom's going to check up in random times of the day to make sure I'm still alive, hahaha!

I'm just sort of... Shaken. I actually couldn't breathe, I thought I was going to die, I got dizzy and my eyes are hurting and my body is trembling. When I was coughing, I started praying because I was so scared- not of death, but just of the pain. I didn't want to turn blue and have my parents have to come up and discover me with a swollen face and my eyes bugged out already in rigamortis curled up on the bathroom floor surrounded by puke and saliva.
I was scared for my body, I guess.

I just want this to end. Mom's taking me to the doctor later, she thinks I developed athsma from my cough. I thought that three weeks ago, but whatever. At least they're listening to me now, which is better than never. I'm really sick of waking up with my body panicking. I know what whatever is meant to happen will happen, but I'd really rather give this body a good life before I'm meant to go, you know?

Anyway, back to the doctor again.

I'm also terrified for Dominic, because he just got a cough. I thought I wasn't contagious, now I'm worried that he's got what I have.
I mean, two months later, you're not contagious, right? I took azithramax a month and three weeks ago. I shouldn't be contagious at all, and yet brunette blue eyes people keep getting my cough. Rachel, and then Dominic- both brunette with blue eyes. My mom got something like it, but not exactly, and she's brunette with brown eyes. I'm wondering if there is a trend.

I joked with him last night that I have some new plague that's going to be a pandemic all across the US, and they won't realize it until suddenly I drop dead -then everyone will start to panic. Hahaha! That would be something.

I hope everyone's doing fine, I'd call and hang out but I'm not feeling up to hanging out, hahaha. Love to everyone!! ^______^








P.S. Dominic = <3 X 100,000,000,000,000,000,000

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HATTTTT!!!!OMGWTFBBQPBSKAKASHIXIRUKAMASTERCHEFYA
KITATEOLIVERTHEPARROTBUTTONDOWNUNIFORMX1 0000ILOV
EAMANINUNIFORMLETSGETMARRIEDNOWOMGOMGOMG OMGO
MGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGYES!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!ONE!!!!!!1!!!!!!ONE
!!!!!11!!!!ELEVEN!!!!!!111!!!!ONEHUNDREDELEVEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1*nosebleed*

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I don't know how to explain this,
the perfect application of the scientific method
crossed with the Universal Source- a part of the formula defined
First, identify the raison d'etre
by looking at all of your past at once, and finding the trend.
Your goal should be obvious.
insert God/dess here, here, and here.
prayer, and in the case of
the ego interference, trust
light, and calmness
you have to begin and end it with the willingness to be strong through anything and everything.
It's having a goal that is more important than living, like in V for Vendetta.
Without determination and commitment, you will never achieve the desired result.

Those two must be aimed with faith. They are the arrow, your faith in yourself and in your gods is your bow.

And you have success.


But that's all besides the point.
What's the point?



The point is
Wearing a blue dress in Sicily.

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Yeah, so it's still here
It feels like this:
first, your throat goes 'blah!'
and your lungs try to get rid of the itches and gunk
so they start coughing
and then go athsma, so the cough turns into a gag
and your lungs close, so you're sucking trying to ge in air
gagging
and then you start puking.
The end.



So, the hospital it is.
Good, because the funeral was pissing me off.
And all the wankers and clowns going to it.




The cool part was that I'd eaten blueberries and my puke was hot pink with dark blue polkadots.

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I want to forget the faces.
I want to stop caring, because I'll be betrayed.
I can't trust friends. Can't trust the people I love.
Terror.

Thanks to you, I'm afraid of losing status. Thanks to you, I'm afraid of all these people. I feel as if everyone walking around me thinks something horrible of me. I feel accused, I feel like a salem witch.

And still, there are tiny seeds of love in that place.
Am I strong enough?
I don't want to suffer, when there's so much hate surrounding me, but I want to hold those tiny seeds of love.
Those bits of kindred, the one or two people whom I know I can trust. Those ones who know there's more than a kiss in the dark.
There's more than my body.
I am not a girl, I am a woman.
Be strong, woman. That's what I want to say to them.

Somebody stole from costuming. Was I blamed? I wanted to 'get in' with the woman working in costuming, I liked her a lot... Now, I feel ruined. She won't like me, now, will she? But I didn't do it. I didn't do it, but I feel like they're going to think it's my fault anyway.
They always seem to blame me, when I'm there. Where is the love? Where is the love?

Every time I move I've made a mistake, there.
Perhaps if I wait a bit, and come back later.


They all look away from my face too quickly.





They turn their backs so easily.



Jack is blind. He doesn't understand that not everybody is treated the way he's treated. He doesn't understand much of anything.
But he thinks he knows it all.
That's what pisses me off.
Ignorant, pompous ass. That's what I wanted to scream at him.
You were not the victimm.




I'm just a girl trying to find someone who loves me. I'm human, I have needs, I have feelings, I have a heart.

They all judge me so quickly because they were hoping I was going to choose them.
When I didn't choose them, I became a slut for choosing someone at all.
Fine. I am a slut.
And a bitch, and a whore. Call me that to my face.
I heard them judging my character, I'm not deaf. I'm not blind, I'm not stupid.
I know it.
Call me a slut to my face, and I'll take it and swallow it into my heart. Do it, I dare you. I'm not scared of anything but thinking you were really interested in friendship.
The only thing I'm afraid of is being let down.
Being betrayed.
Since I know they have no respect for me, I am not afraid of them. If I know they hate me, I can walk away easily.
But if one of them still cares about me, it's like a rubber tie around my ankle, continuing to drag me back.


I refuse to go to Fall Game.

You'd be lying if you said you wanted me to go
(unless your name is Mary or Kate)
(... Or Jack, but he'd want me to go for his own confused and nonsensical reasons.)


I want to say I'm never coming back.
But there are people I can trust there.
I've just got to stop being terrified, I've got to know that I'm not going to hear that conversation in the dark ever again.
Got to know that if something happens, and it's not my fault, you aren't going to blame me.
I can trust hardly anyone with that.


Hey, I'm adopted. I have trust issues.
I have a lot of trust issues.

Prove to me that I can trust you, and I will.
Betray my trust, and you'll never see me again.



I'm good at running away.

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