I've never felt like this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Joined

Make peace.

Today I found something really important.

I have to clean, because it's the right way to go.
Follow your heart, i want to go with-
no. I want
no....
I... Want...

look at all this precious stuff
star crossed... doomed to begin with

and the other one
I can't get your eyes out of my mind

This is an important letter... Why am I reading this?
Isn't my right. Allright, I'll stop before I read the whole thing.
But hey- those are harsh words.


The whole year is still black and cloudy. When did I get this letter?






I found it. It was different.
We're both scarred from our methods of getting to 'now'
but we are
quick workers, with one mind
mind to mind
I can tell him anything with my mind
do you know what that feels like?
to have everything validated
and...
to ask a question with your thoughts and have him answer it?
fascinating
exhilirating


mind to mind



mind to... mine.. this isn't mine.
not my letter
Curing upper respiratory infection
my body says 'give me more love.'
allright. more love it is.
more love more love more love
from who?
more love..

from you.
from who?
from him.
from which him?
all of them.
no, one of them.
which one?
from one. one. give me one, divinity.
give me the right one.
Mr.Right.








He was born
for me
born for me

born for me!

I was probably... made for him
made for him
made for him!

created just for him
those eyes those eyes they haunt every living
waking dreaming hour
those eyes
like...
like nothing I've known
or nothing I can remember at the moment
like him.
like him, like us.. like it. like this.
like what?
like what?


He just asked me what's wrong, I'm feeling confused, he knows it.
Of course he knows it!


He never lost the stone.










I found the stone.










You'll never bring me diamonds




I never wanted them. I wanted roses.
Pink roses.



Nobody knows what roses I really want, though.
nobody but...





But, that's a secret.



Dangerous. Dangerous.
This is where my heart goes. This is so much fun.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Joined

I have learned to go with the flow, with life.
I asked for a sign, they were the sign- his actions were the sign.
Allow for change, allow for change, that's the way to find happiness. That's the way for joy. That's the way to be the most help. To do your job.
So, I'm catalying a crisis. I'm making an opportunity.
Chakra cards "Reject with love."

It's mean to be, I'm strong enough to stand my ground.
This is right. This is right. This is the way to divinity.

I need someone who will allow me to be myself.





I am no petit gateau.






They're all telling me to keep it a secret.
Keep my holy creature a secret.


I don't know what I'll do with him..

But I know what I'll do with you.
"Reject with love."





You said you wanted to be my friend instead of my lover. Now is your chance. Will you take this with grace?
It was fast, I know.
I am a catalyst, what can I say?

Oh, but you never payed close enough attention to know that...











What can I say? What can I say?
You've lost your chance.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Joined

so I went to the hospital today...

now I've got an inhaler, because I've started coughing up the lining of my windpipe and I need to stop! I'd wondered why I coughed pinkish...
and a humidifier in my room. yum. that one I might keep. it's really nice, actually.
first doctor said it was walking flu.
second said it was whooping cough.
either way, I'm not contagious because they gave me this random medicine. So no epidemics or anything.
Actually whooping cough is hardly a problem anymore, you know. it's not like anyone's gonna die from it like that. they just bust out this thing called zithramax or something and three hits of it and the illness is out.

not the cough, though.
bummer.

I drew a mermaid for dominic, today.
It's really pretty. I've only finished the lineart, but I like it a lot.
maybe I'll scan it when I'm done.
she's got much larger breasts than I intended.
no worries.

carribean blue by enya
is most definitely my new favorite song.
it's gorgeous. I can't stop listening to it.


sort of makes me think of Dom's eyes-
actually it makes me think of Dom a lot, in some sort of beautfiul fancy formal uniform thing- with little bits of gold and the shoulder things, like what treize wears, at a ball. He and I were talking about the balls in Sicily- they have real real balls, with the huge dresses and the grand staircases and waltzing and everything. I told him how I wished I could go see one, and...
Anyway, it makes me think of him at a ball..


I've had dreams about Jack every night. It's really nice, sort of scary and exciting. I dreamed that I woke up, and Jack had come to my house without telling me to surprise me, and I came downstairs and he was sitting cross-legged on the couch. I also dreamed about him in this grungy multi-level parking garage and we were fighting off these evil guys that wanted to do this thing to me that I'd seen in this porn the day before.
What Jack doesn't know is the surprise bundle I've been making him since ever.
I can't wait to see him, I really can't, even though he's going to be so stressed out and crazy that he probably won't even be able to talk to me all week.
I hope not, you know? I hope I get to see him all the time. And that he's in a great mood and feeling wonderful.
I've got a lot of surprise things planned for him.
Maybe I'll wait until Wayfinder has ended to give him any of the things I collected.
It doesn't matter, really. Eventually he'll get all my gifts.

It just occurred to me that I'll have someone to give a real valentine's day gift to. The way everyone hates valentines day for because they're lonely and bitter.
Of course, it's for love for everyone, to give gifts to all your friends whom you love and everything..
But.. It's nice to have someone precious to give a gift to.
And christmas, too.




Anyway.
I went to the hospital today...
It was kind of fun.
They did a blood test and took a lot of blood with this weird tube syringe, it reminded me of Una. I wanted her to see it. It was super cool.
My blood is really, really dark red.
Darker than I expected.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Joined

^ best anime evah. Jacob just showed it to me. Yeah, random!

Wow, it took me like, five minutes to find where I go to write in my journal. Difficult!

I'm thinking of playing a boy at Finale. I've done all the games so far being a decently attractive female. Two as a beautiful goddess. I want to play a boy, see how that feels. Especially since in most games I shy away from swordplay. Maybe I should use the swords I made and practice a bit. I can be Kate's brother, or something, since Finale feels like they'll let us be at least a little free (within the criteria) to make up our own characters. I have no idea, since it's my first. But you'd think- I mean, since there's going to be everyone and their mom there, it's not like they can write three hundred character sheets with detailed background and all that. It's difficult enough with the about a hundred people at Advanced camp.

Don't you love the feeling of having eurekas about something that's been bothering you forever? I do.
I've suddenly found myself meditating. It's easy to meditate all of a sudden. I'm going to find a Shaman and train under him. Mum totally backs it up, she thinks it's something novel and exciting. But, I'm going to let the universe take it's time, so I might not find a Shaman to train under for three years, ten years, or five minutes. Who knows?
Things get easier and easier as you work at them. What's stopping you? That's what you gotta figure out. Don't ignore anything, find all the stuff you take for granted or the information you throw into the back of your head and scrutenize it. You can't get what you want because of this and that reason, well, find the reasons and fix them.

So, anyway, I found the reason for one problem. Now, I can fix it.

"What are your academic interests?" The colleges ask.
Archaeology, Midwifery, and Interior Design. That's what I put.
And then I drew lots of stars and flowers and people's faces over the form.

Bennington has these little bits on the wall in the admissions office, 'describe yourself' it says, and has a box.
Someone drew this palm tree, and wrote stuff around the box, instead of inside. Inside the tree, where the tree was, it said
"I'm clever as shit.
enroll me."

They got in.

My mom said "That's balls!" And then went on about how difficult it is for someone to say that, that it's dangerous and blah blah.
I figured I'd do it to some other college. See what they think.
I liked it.
"You've got balls. I like balls."
"Yes! We should turn around and charge them! I love your balls!"
Yes, misquoting Team America.

So I was on a tour at Bard, and this guy is like 'blah blah FOAM SWORDS blahblah." And I'm like "WAYFINDER!!!!!" And he's like "Wha?" And I'm like "So you played CTF, right? Who started it? Eh?" And he was like "Patrick." And I was like "OMFG I worked with patrick this summer!" And he was like "Where?" And I was like "Yo, he works at Wayfinder." and the guy was like "What's that?"
And I was like "They invented the game you played with those foam swords."
and he was like "Oh hahaha! Yeah, that's crazy fun!"
The end.

Small world.


And then I saw a random guy with a Wayfinder spear. It was cool. I was like "Is that from Wayfinder?" And the woman next to him was like "Probably!"

But I don't like anything at Bard except for their sports facility. And the nice archetecture. They're too obsessed with essays for me.
Bennington looked awesome as shit, though.

I think I want to go somewhere in the city, though. Isn't there any way I can get a medical degree without dissecting a corpse? Ick! Can we say terror?

I want to be a doula, in the end. And a yoga teacher. And I want to also get certified as a nurse. What else?
Do interior design, or something cool. And work in a museum. I can do it all if I want, and I plan to.
And whatever else happens to come up as awesome.
What do I go to school for? I guess medical training, that increases my payload, and you need money for food and living and stuff.

P.S.
Otakon was super. Parking in the city is the lamest thing ever. If you ever go, make sure you're loaded. Cuz life at Otakon is expensive.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Joined